i’ve noticed lately that I am very happy but also very paranoid. 

I am happy with my surroundings, my summer has been great! all the people i’ve met, the anticipation of the plans I have, and knowing that I am moving to San Francisco in just one month! it’s all so nice! at the same time I can’t help but feel very insecure that the happiness I am feeling is not a real one. I can’t help but feel that I am not really wanted, not really loved and not really happy. as if everything I am feeling is all in my head.  this is a problem of mine that I am already aware of so I try to keep those thoughts at bay as hard as that may be. 

another thing that I have encountered lately is jealousy. 

I find myself feeling jealous and I don’t know exactly why. I know I am not jealous of the people in relationships because I have no desire for my friends or their conquests. at the same time though I recognize what I feel as jealousy. I know I am jealous when I hear of a connection, or of a good time that my friends are having together in a mutual way where they both share their emotions. I have now realized that it is not the people or the exact scenario I want, it is just feelings and happiness in that way. I am so lonely now. I don’t know how my perfect happiness in being single turned into this. I just want someone to show me affection really. I want to have a lustful night that actually ends in pleasure for me, one that I won’t regret and one that I will be okay that happened. i blame myself for this though. i have a tendency of opening myself physically quickly but it is hard for me to open emotionally. I guess it’s just something I have to deal with. I just crave affection so much now.